Thoughts on Divorce: Part 3

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." ~ Ephesians 4:29

As we go throughout life, talking and interacting with people, we have two choices: 1) We can tear them down, or 2) we can build them up.

I've used Ephesians 4:29 many times to discuss this topic of building up/tearing down with children. I told them when they said hurtful things to people, it was like tearing down a house with a bulldozer. On the flip side, when they said encouraging, grace-filled things to people, it was like they had a hammer and nails, and they were building a house. Which one sounds better for people: tearing them down with a bulldozer or building them up with a hammer and nails? I could often be heard saying, "Please put your bulldozer away and get out your hammer and nails."

Ephesians wasn't just written for children. It was written for all of us, and it's a great place to start when considering how to encourage divorced kids.

One Sunday when I was in high school, I was at church with my youth group preparing for Youth Sunday (one of the best Sundays invented in Baptist churches, haha). I was lying on the floor working on something. I'm not sure what prompted the question, but I looked up at one of the sweet youth volunteers and asked, "Since my mom hates my dad, and I look like my dad, do you think she's reminded of him when she looks and me, and it upsets her?" She answered wisely, "When she looks at you, I'm sure she's reminded of the good things about your dad, and she sees those things in you."

Please don't think my mom ever said she hated my dad. She never spoke negatively about him. That was her policy, and she stuck to it. I think somewhere in my mind, I determined my parents hated each other because they weren't married any more. I guess I thought the only alternative to married love was hate. I'm glad I was wrong!

The youth volunteer who encouraged me hit on something important. She mentioned that my mom saw the good qualities about my dad in me. This is where I'd like to exhort you to encourage divorced kids.

When talking to them, you have options. You could speak negatively about their parents, or you could find positive qualities about their parents that you can encourage them in. Example: "Sarah, I love the way you serve your younger brother. I think you get your compassionate spirit from your dad. He is kind hearted and always considers the needs of others."

Remember to keep your bulldozers parked when you're talking with divorced kids (or anyone for that matter!). If you say negative things about their parents, they tend to internalize them. They're a part of their parents, so they may think you see those negative things in them as well (even if you don't).

Pull out your hammer and nails. Build these kids up as much as you can. Encourage the areas where you see God at work in them, and look for opportunities to say kind things about their parents. Your kind words will go a long way.

Thoughts on Divorce: Part 2

I mentioned in Part 1 that my parents divorced when I was a baby. For me, that divorce was just something that happened before I could even walk. I don't remember any of it. I just remember life after it. My earliest memories are after both of my parents remarried. Life as I have always known it consisted of two families.

When I was 15, my mom and stepdad separated, and they divorced when I was 16. That was the divorce that rocked my world.

I lived with my mom and stepdad, as well as two of my siblings (both several years younger than me). Aside from my raging hormones and temper, I thought our house was normal and stable. I was shocked when I learned that my parents were separating and then divorcing. If ever there has been a time in my life when I felt like everything was crashing down on me, that was it. Have you ever watched a scene in a movie where everything disintegrated? Life felt like that for a long time.

The purpose of this series isn't for me to tell you all the details of our home life. I just wanted to give you a smidgen of background.

Fast forward a few years. I was working at a summer camp, a place that God used to provide me with a great deal of comfort and solace over the years, a place where I grew closer to Him and learned about serving others.

During one of the weeks of camp, we had teenage girls in our cabin. One of them was a 15-year-old with a slight attitude. We didn't bond right away. In fact, I don't think we really bonded until her last night at camp.

We always had a worship service that concluded with the girls filling out commitment cards. They could commit to anything they wanted - anything from a commitment to following Christ to a commitment to clean their rooms. The choice was theirs. After the girls filled out their commitment cards, we as counselors spent a few minutes of one-on-one time with them discussing their commitments.

I don't remember what this girl's commitment was, but I remember her story. I remember it because her story was so incredibly similar to my story. With slow, quiet tears gliding down her cheeks, she told me about her mom and stepdad divorcing. She shared with me that all she remembered was life living with her mom and stepdad. She told me how close she was to her stepdad. She told me about slamming her bedroom door, curling into a ball on the floor, and crying her eyes out. She told me about feeling helpless, about screaming out and wanting to fix things. She felt her whole world was crumbling around her, and she didn't know how to deal with it.

With each word she spoke, I had flashbacks to my own life. I had never heard a story so similar to my own, and I knew God had placed this girl in my life for a reason. She needed to know someone understood her pain, a pain most of the people in her life couldn't relate to. I shared my story with her, and her eyes sparkled behind her tears. I hugged her, prayed with her, and encouraged her as much as I could in the time we had together.

Paul encouraged the Romans when he wrote to them. He told them all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28). That verse came alive to me that night. I saw God working together everything for my good, for the good of the sweet girl in my cabin riddled with pain from divorce. Perhaps for the first time in my life, as I helped someone start processing her pain, I began to feel a peace about my own pain.

I only had a few minutes with the girl in my cabin. I wish there had been more time to try to encourage her, but I trust God gave us the time we needed.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've felt God nudging me. He has laid on my heart the hurting divorced kids out there. I'm praying about possible ministry opportunities He may have for me. God has blessed me through the hurting, and I want to be a blessing for others through their hurting.

Are there divorced kids in your life? Pray about how God would have you encourage them. As I continue this series, I'm going to try to share some ways I think you can help them, whether they're your own kids or someone else's.

Thoughts on Divorce: Part 1

I've never been divorced, and, by God's grace, I never will. I know a lot about divorce, however, just from a different perspective - the perspective of the child.

My parents divorced when I was a baby. That divorce laid the groundwork for life as I knew it from that point onward. I never knew life any different from having two families. In fact, the lives of my friends who only had one set of parents were always intriguing to me.

My mom and my stepdad divorced when I was 16. That was the divorce that rocked my world.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been thinking a lot about how divorce affects the children of the divorced couple. I'm not a professional with any kind of degree in counseling or the like, but I'd like to share my insights.

Why do I want to share my insights? Do my readers really care what I have to say? Am I going to be one of those people who uses a public blog to vent and hurt others?

My intention is not in the least to hurt others, or even to vent. I pray that I will be very careful and guarded with my words. The purpose of this series will not be to say negative things about my parents. I love ALL of them VERY much! They all did the best they could with what they had.

I want to share my insights because I think believers are missing opportunities to minister to the children of divorce. Part 2 of my series (which I may post in a few minutes) will be a story of an experience I had with another divorced kid, a moment where God spoke to me and confirmed that I could use my experiences to be a blessing and encouragement to others. If I can help even just one person be a blessing and encouragement to just one hurting divorced kid, it will have been worth writing these blog posts.